The Deal...

After much prayer, thought, and what seemed like hours (but really wasn't) of staring at the computer screen, I've realized that I think this blog has served its purpose.

Originally, this forum was a pre-facebook way to stay connected with friends of old and new. Then as my personal life road became rocky, the blog became a way to chart my thoughts, growth, and served at times as a lifeline line to connect with other brokenhearted.

What I'm saying is, I think "this" particular blog story or chapter has come to an end.... So I won't be updating the Jotter.

However, fear not my single (or singular?) reader! I have started a new blog with new topics and hopefully new 'news' over at wordpress.com

I have recruited a co-writer who will be contributing. We hope to tackle new subjects, lessons, and what-not as single girls striving to find love, happiness, friendship and balance, while trying living everyday in Christ.

So, if you're still occasionally reading here and have an extra minute, please stop by www.meetingatthewell.wordpress.com and say hello!!

xoxox, Jeanne

COMING BACK!!!

I'm finally feeling blog inspired again... but I want to revamp the direction of this blog.....

So coming soon and stay tuned!!

:)

100 updated...

I made a list of 100 random facts in November 2007.  Recently I challenged a friend to make a similar list, which made me revisit my list...  I thought it would be fun to update the list a bit as some of my 'random facts'  have evolved....

1. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday  (still is, all the yummy food and family without having to purchase gifts!)

2. I just started drinking peppermint tea, and I now love it more than coffee.  (i'm back to coffee...though i still have a fondness for the tea which my brother, sis-in-law and mother now share)

3. I take my first professional golf lesson tomorrow  (still taking lessons! and i love it!)

4. I am absolutely in love with my dog.  (love turned into obsession :)  he's the best!)

5. I am writing this list to avoid giving the dog a bath   (he currently needs another bath...)

6. Reading is my favorite way to spend an afternoon  (yep)

7. I HATE being cold. I'd rather sweat than shiver  (double yep)
 
8. Spaghetti O's is my favorite comfort food  (while i haven't actually eaten spaghetti o's in over a year, i still have nostalgic feelings for them)

9. I had my tonsils out one year ago  

10. I've never had stitches  (not to date!)

11. I've only been to the ER once in my life  (same)

12. I am a morning person  (rise and shine!!!)

13. I ate a whole bag of m&m's when I was 12 and got sick

14. I didn't eat m&m's for 5 years  (had some the other day)

15. I'd rather have sweet than salty foods

16. I cried everyday for 2 months when I moved to Jacksonville.  (i'm down to every other day now)

17. I have Tupac and Celine Dion on my ipod  (i now have a new ipod.  unfortunately 2pac and celine didn't make the cut)

18. I think I've read all of James Pattersons books  (not true anymore....i could never really get into the murder club series)

19. Narnia is my favorite movie - ever!  (it's still one of my favs)

20. Harrison Ford is still my favorite actor despite the fact that he is dating Allie McBeal  (did they get married? he might lose a point if they did...)

21. Canada would not let me across the border when I was 5 and had chicken pox  (i'm considering giving Canda another shot...)

22. I do not have a favorite color.  (true)

23. Peony's are my favorite flower  (true, but they are so hard to find)

24. Sushi is my favorite meal to eat out  (same!)

25. I can't eat fish if I cook it  (i can now cook salmon or shimp and eat it)

26. I hate to pump gas and will do almost anything to avoid it  (still true, if i ever offer to loan you my car...check the gas gauge before agreeing :)

27. I have no idea how much a gallon of milk cost.  ($2??)

28. I would fail miserably on Price is Right  

29. I didn't go to the dentist for 14 years  (this reminds me i need to schedule an appt)

30. I've never regretted moving away from St. Louis  (still don't)

31. My parents are two of my best friends  (love you both!)

32. I've owned 4 cars in my life   (still have the 4th)

33. I've wrecked two cars of the 4 cars (knock on wood)

34. I've had more than 10 speeding tickets  (LOTS of warning but no more tickets)

35. I still speed  (i am getting better)

36. I've had 2 gerbils, and two dogs as pets.  (i forgot to mention the AWFUL parakeet birds momma brought home one year)

37. I wear contacts and am blind with out them  (just had to get a stronger prescription)

38. I am adopted

39. I don't know how to drive a stick shift  (grind it till ya find it!)

40. My brother taught me how to drive (which really explains all the speeding tickets)

41. I used to read the dictionary in the bathroom  (i'm strictly business now)

42. I'm a horrible speller  (already used spell check twice updating)

43. I hated school  (hates a strong word, and i had a few years that weren't so bad)

44. I have PCOS  (i'm amazed at how many women have this in common with me)

45. I lock myself out of the house often  (i hide keys everywhere now or just don't lock the door)

46. I've never run out of gas  (still true)

47. I've lived in MO, CA, & FL  (add NC)

48. I'm awful at returning phone calls and emails (i'm getting better... i think..)

49. I just learned how to balance a checkbook  (yay online banking!!!)

50. I loved summer camp  (i hope to go back and visit someday)

51. 2nd grade and sophomore year were my favorite in school

52. Truman is sitting in my lap and really needs a bath  (he's laying next to me, and yes does need a bath)

53. I never went to prom  (maybe this year :)

54. I speak too often before I think  (i've really tried to work on this and hope i've made some progress)

55. I wish I lived closer to my family  (or they lived closer to me!)

56. I have horrible motion sickness  (is there a 'cure' for this?)
 
57. I am allergic to penicillin  (i have yet to chance it - though i know sometimes people grow out of this)

58. I have no food allergies  

59. I'm only suppose to eat 100g of carbs a day.

60. I always go over 100g  (i think I managed to keep it under a 100 yesterday)

61. I like to see different cities  (love!  anyone want a visitor?)

62. But I don't like the travel part of traveling (i've changed my attitude on this...it's all part of the adventure.  plus you never know who you're going to meet along the way) 

63. I like solitude  (still do)

64. I hate goodbyes  (still do)

65. I cry often when I pray  (still do. prayer is such a powerful connection)

66. I drink hot chocolate even in the summer  (i just made a cup of chocolate mint truffle tea - close right?)

67. Fiji water is my favorite (honestly since my time in Cambodia i try to drink tap water more often.  but when i do purchase bottled Smartwater is my new fave)

68. I can tell the difference between Aquafina, Dasani, and Zepherhills water (still can)

69. I prefer red wine to anything else (i should have specified i prefer it to any other alcoholic beverage)

70. I prefer hockey to football  (still do - buuuttt... the season is getting a bit long...)

71. I'm right handed  

72. I only just stopped hating my first name (sorry mom)  

73. Barbie was my favorite toy

74. All of my Barbie's got 'haircuts'

75. I strongly dislike reality TV  (my dislike has turned to hatred - and yes i know i said hate is a strong word)  

76. and no I'm not smarter than a 5th grader  (this is probably still true)

77. I cannot go #2 away from home.  (i'm cured!  no i won't give details!)

78. #77 makes it really hard to travel  

79. I used to call my nose a pig nose

80. I've always wanted a nose job  (still do)

81. I'm to scared to get one  (still am)

82. I did get veneers

83. It was sooo painful

84. I'm so happy I got them

85. I'm happier when I'm tan  (status:  currently tan and happy!)

86. I prefer massages and pedicures  (again should have specified to any other salon treatment)

87. I've never had a facial that felt good  (haven't had a facial in YEARS...)

88. I have grey hair  (the grey has miraculously turned into blonde!!)

89. I pull out the gray hair  (see above miracle)

90. I don't think Truman is getting a bath tonight  (he's going to the groomers tomorrow)

91. I don't like talking on the phone, but get sad when people don't call  (i now get to talk on the phone all day with my new job!  it's not so bad)

92. My skin breaks out in red when I get nervous (cheeks, chest area, arms...it's really embarrassing)

93. I always fall asleep with the TV on  (i stopped for months, but have just started doing this again)

94. I prefer heels to flats  (yes, but i'm in flip flops more often than not these days)

95. I will suffer for fashion  (always)

96. I want to go to Italy  (yes please!!)

97. It takes me a couple tries to swallow a pill  (still does)

98. I take three big pills every night  (still should)

99. My favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird  (i have a couple of other favorites too, but this one made such an impact on me when i read it the first time)

100. I love how many people I've reconnected with through blogging!  (Absolutely!!)

Don't Spit In the Wind (and other things I've learned in life thus far)

In honor of my birthday next week (didn't I just have one of these last year?!!)  I thought I would compile a list of lessons that have been influential to me over the past year(s).   Some of these lessons come from advice passed along, and some I've learned through experience.   All I hope to continue to be applied in my life for the next 30 years....

I hope some of them benefit you too...

1.  It takes a long time to become the person you want to be.

2.  You shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

3.  Either you control your attitude, or it will control you.

4.  It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.  Sometime you have to learn to forgive yourself.

5.  You cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be a person who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.

6.  No matter how much you care, some people just don't care back. 

7.  It takes years to build trust, and only seconds to break it.

8.  Just because two people argue doesn't mean they don't love each other.  And just because they don't argue doesn't mean they do.

9.  Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that never gives me the right to be cruel.

10.  No matter how bad my heart is broken, the world doesn't stop to grieve. 

11.  Your life can be changed in a matter of moments by people who don't even know you.

12.  Don't be so eager to find out a secret - it could change your life forever.

13.  Never pretend to be something your not.

14.  Love has nothing to do with looks.

15. Kindness and hard work can sometimes get you further than intelligence.

16.  People deserve a second chance.

17.  Stepping outside your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you often can't grasp now.

18.  Taking ownership of failures helps build the foundations of success.

19.  Make the choice to cultivate gratitude everyday.  

20.  My parents really do know more than I give them credit for.

21.  Love is a gift - freely given or received - the choice is mine.

22. Happiness is not based on external status but is an internal state.

23.  Remember what your mother taught you.  It comes from the most sacred place that love exists. 

24.  The source of most anxiety is from living in the future or the past.

25.  Your beliefs filter your reality.

26.  Perfection is my enemy. 

27.  Read Pslams.   The book contains every human emotion.

28.  Say yes to a random adventure.

29.  Sometimes good-bye is a second chance.

30.  If it changes your life, let it.  It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

31.  God is always good.

When God Says Hush!

My blog friend Amanda asked me quite awhile ago to write on the subject of how I practice being silent before God.   More in the sense of meditation, rather than giving Him the silent treatment.

Unfortunately, I have been giving Him more of the silent treatment, rather than taking the time to practice the discipline of being silent BEFORE Him and learning to listen.

So, today, instead of writing a post on how I try to LISTEN to HIM, I’ll share how HE makes me silent.  

It’s a painfully blessed discipline from Him.  One lesson, that He makes me repeatedly learn.  And after He does I always through my tears, count my blessings.

I’m back living in Jacksonville.   My eyes well up with tears just typing that.   It’s hard to believe life has circled back here.  Never has one city encompassed so much emotion for me.   Some good, some bad, some self-inflicted, some not.  There’s just a lot of history here for me.   

I’m a forward motion person.  It’s hard for me to look back and reflect.   And that is what is being required of me stepping back into life here.

I’ve known for a couple of months that the move to Jax was in coming.  However, I did almost everything in my power to crowd my life with so many worldly activities that I scarcely had time to stress or address how this was effecting (affecting? help grammar police) my spiritual life. 

In the process of be so busy, I began giving God the silent treatment.  I don’t think I intentionally started the practice.  It's just so easy to do.   

 My prayers became more rushed.  Morning devotionals were skimmed, or not made time for.  I stopped going to church.  Then eventually, I took the mindset that I was doing this all on my own anyway.  After awhile my spiritual life went completely silent.

Flat-lined would be a better description.

Then, once again, HE steps in and silents ME.    Worldly, false crutches have been stripped away.  Foolishness has been disciplined.   And decisions based on unrighteous knowledge have been exposed by His truth.   Ouch.

And, honestly?  It’s not the first time I’ve found myself here.  I’ve confessed to it before.  But having circled this block before, thankfully I can recognize how to get back to where I need to be…..   Silent before HIM.  Listening.  Learning. Loving.

It hurts when your Father says no.  But oh so beneficial.  

Salvaged Cambodia Pictures!!!

Thanks to a few friends in Cambodia who were kind to forward their pictures, I am able to share a few photos of my activities.

Below is a sweet boy who was the official shoe straightener at the entrance of Wat Phnom (temple).  He is malformed in both arms and has a total of 4 fingers.  But what a beautiful smile!!

In a window on top of Bayon Temple.  Built around the year 900 in Siem Reap.

Playing with the kids in the remote village of Krang Popleak.  This is the inside of their pre-school which was built by Sustainable Cambodia.   I was taking pictures of the kids with my digital camera and then showing them the images of themselves.  So fun!   One little girl grabbed the camera out of my hand and started taking pictures of me!  She caught on right away at how to work the buttons.   

This is Threy (sp?) He says he has never been to school, but speaks English fairly well.  He works along the Boeung Kak Lake (where the Government is doing the forced evictions) selling books.  His shirt said "hip hop" on it, and when I asked him if he knew what hip hop was, he answered "yo yo yo" and threw me the peace sign.   Nice.

Riding an elephant!!!  Check mark on the bucket list :)

Questions?

I hate that I haven't taken time to blog about the Cambodia trip.  I've sat and stared at the computer more than once trying to organize my thoughts, feelings, experiences, but it's almost too much for me to put into words.   I came home with a real sense of helplessness.   

Besides having my camera stolen, the trip was pretty flawless from a logistical standpoint.   We visited three cities in two weeks.  We started in Phnom Penh, flew to Siem Reap, then drove to Pursat and back to Phnom Penh.    

I believe that the producer was able to capture the shots he desired, and I in turn got to meet and work with two different NGO (non-government organizations) who are doing some incredible things.  Among the positive notable experiences was spending time riding a moto through the countryside meeting different farming families and riding an elephant.  

It was a quick, long trip.

Up on my return I received the following email from the producer of the documentary:

So I was in church last night.

I thanked God for my safe return.  I was thankful I didn't get sick.

But I asked:  why are there 1,000 people left on a side of a road in the middle of no where?

The Cambodian government (which is little more than a regime) is forcefully evicting thousands from their homes in the name of progress.   You can read about it here.  

But devastation and tragedy are hardly news in Cambodia anymore.   It is truly overwhelming to walk the streets and see the constant need in EVERY area.    From the basics of clean drinking water to the deep spiritual.  Most everyone needs something.   

It physically hurts my heart.  

I'm not okay after this trip.    During the first week back I was carrying around such heavy feelings of uselessness.   Like I'm not doing enough to fight the injustice of level of poverty in Cambodia.   I struggle with understanding, too, at how so many of God's children are without.

I question God.  A lot.   

And when I don't get the answer I either a)  quit asking or b) give him the silent treatment.

Neither of these productive.

I read a devotional the other day focusing on 2 Chronicles 20.  Around verse 15 Jahaziel speaks to Judah for the Lord saying "Do not be afraid or discouraged..... For the battle is not yours, but God's"

I guess in someway this is my answer.  

It is not for me to understand why or how the world works.   It is broken.  We live in a broken world, not the intended paradise God had planned for us.   And while HE has provided a plan to salvation, we in essence will have to live in the aftermath of sin until His time. 

It still hurts me to look into the eyes of people who are no different than me, other than where we were chosen to be born.   But I guess I need to remember that as much as it hurts me, My Father actually understands what was to be.  And that must hurt Him so deeply.

I don't know if I'll go back to Cambodia.   I feel like this trip was a sort of closure for me.  I'm hoping that I can now take the knowledge and deep empathy of my experience there and apply it locally.   

But..... who knows what God has planned.....  It is after all HIS war.