When God Says Hush!

My blog friend Amanda asked me quite awhile ago to write on the subject of how I practice being silent before God.   More in the sense of meditation, rather than giving Him the silent treatment.

Unfortunately, I have been giving Him more of the silent treatment, rather than taking the time to practice the discipline of being silent BEFORE Him and learning to listen.

So, today, instead of writing a post on how I try to LISTEN to HIM, I’ll share how HE makes me silent.  

It’s a painfully blessed discipline from Him.  One lesson, that He makes me repeatedly learn.  And after He does I always through my tears, count my blessings.

I’m back living in Jacksonville.   My eyes well up with tears just typing that.   It’s hard to believe life has circled back here.  Never has one city encompassed so much emotion for me.   Some good, some bad, some self-inflicted, some not.  There’s just a lot of history here for me.   

I’m a forward motion person.  It’s hard for me to look back and reflect.   And that is what is being required of me stepping back into life here.

I’ve known for a couple of months that the move to Jax was in coming.  However, I did almost everything in my power to crowd my life with so many worldly activities that I scarcely had time to stress or address how this was effecting (affecting? help grammar police) my spiritual life. 

In the process of be so busy, I began giving God the silent treatment.  I don’t think I intentionally started the practice.  It's just so easy to do.   

 My prayers became more rushed.  Morning devotionals were skimmed, or not made time for.  I stopped going to church.  Then eventually, I took the mindset that I was doing this all on my own anyway.  After awhile my spiritual life went completely silent.

Flat-lined would be a better description.

Then, once again, HE steps in and silents ME.    Worldly, false crutches have been stripped away.  Foolishness has been disciplined.   And decisions based on unrighteous knowledge have been exposed by His truth.   Ouch.

And, honestly?  It’s not the first time I’ve found myself here.  I’ve confessed to it before.  But having circled this block before, thankfully I can recognize how to get back to where I need to be…..   Silent before HIM.  Listening.  Learning. Loving.

It hurts when your Father says no.  But oh so beneficial.  

Salvaged Cambodia Pictures!!!

Thanks to a few friends in Cambodia who were kind to forward their pictures, I am able to share a few photos of my activities.

Below is a sweet boy who was the official shoe straightener at the entrance of Wat Phnom (temple).  He is malformed in both arms and has a total of 4 fingers.  But what a beautiful smile!!

In a window on top of Bayon Temple.  Built around the year 900 in Siem Reap.

Playing with the kids in the remote village of Krang Popleak.  This is the inside of their pre-school which was built by Sustainable Cambodia.   I was taking pictures of the kids with my digital camera and then showing them the images of themselves.  So fun!   One little girl grabbed the camera out of my hand and started taking pictures of me!  She caught on right away at how to work the buttons.   

This is Threy (sp?) He says he has never been to school, but speaks English fairly well.  He works along the Boeung Kak Lake (where the Government is doing the forced evictions) selling books.  His shirt said "hip hop" on it, and when I asked him if he knew what hip hop was, he answered "yo yo yo" and threw me the peace sign.   Nice.

Riding an elephant!!!  Check mark on the bucket list :)

Questions?

I hate that I haven't taken time to blog about the Cambodia trip.  I've sat and stared at the computer more than once trying to organize my thoughts, feelings, experiences, but it's almost too much for me to put into words.   I came home with a real sense of helplessness.   

Besides having my camera stolen, the trip was pretty flawless from a logistical standpoint.   We visited three cities in two weeks.  We started in Phnom Penh, flew to Siem Reap, then drove to Pursat and back to Phnom Penh.    

I believe that the producer was able to capture the shots he desired, and I in turn got to meet and work with two different NGO (non-government organizations) who are doing some incredible things.  Among the positive notable experiences was spending time riding a moto through the countryside meeting different farming families and riding an elephant.  

It was a quick, long trip.

Up on my return I received the following email from the producer of the documentary:

So I was in church last night.

I thanked God for my safe return.  I was thankful I didn't get sick.

But I asked:  why are there 1,000 people left on a side of a road in the middle of no where?

The Cambodian government (which is little more than a regime) is forcefully evicting thousands from their homes in the name of progress.   You can read about it here.  

But devastation and tragedy are hardly news in Cambodia anymore.   It is truly overwhelming to walk the streets and see the constant need in EVERY area.    From the basics of clean drinking water to the deep spiritual.  Most everyone needs something.   

It physically hurts my heart.  

I'm not okay after this trip.    During the first week back I was carrying around such heavy feelings of uselessness.   Like I'm not doing enough to fight the injustice of level of poverty in Cambodia.   I struggle with understanding, too, at how so many of God's children are without.

I question God.  A lot.   

And when I don't get the answer I either a)  quit asking or b) give him the silent treatment.

Neither of these productive.

I read a devotional the other day focusing on 2 Chronicles 20.  Around verse 15 Jahaziel speaks to Judah for the Lord saying "Do not be afraid or discouraged..... For the battle is not yours, but God's"

I guess in someway this is my answer.  

It is not for me to understand why or how the world works.   It is broken.  We live in a broken world, not the intended paradise God had planned for us.   And while HE has provided a plan to salvation, we in essence will have to live in the aftermath of sin until His time. 

It still hurts me to look into the eyes of people who are no different than me, other than where we were chosen to be born.   But I guess I need to remember that as much as it hurts me, My Father actually understands what was to be.  And that must hurt Him so deeply.

I don't know if I'll go back to Cambodia.   I feel like this trip was a sort of closure for me.  I'm hoping that I can now take the knowledge and deep empathy of my experience there and apply it locally.   

But..... who knows what God has planned.....  It is after all HIS war.

How To Install Love

A call comes through the customer service line....

Customer Service Rep:  Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install divine love.  Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep: Yes, I can help.  Are you ready to proceed? 

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now.  What do I do first?

CS Rep:  The first step is to open your heart.  Have you located your heart ma'am?

Customer:  Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now.  Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep:  What programs are running ma'am?

Customer:  Let's see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM

CS Rep:  No problem.  LOVE will gradually erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system.  It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.  LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own call HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE.  However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.  Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed.  Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer:  I don't know how to turn them off.  Can you tell me how?

CS Rep:  My pleasure.  Go to your start menu and invoke  FORGIVENESS.EXE.  Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.  

Customer:  Okay, done.  LOVE has started installing itself automatically.  Is that normal?  

CS Rep:  Yes.   You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your heart.  Do you see that divine message?

Customer:  Yes, I do.   Is it completely installed?

CS Rep:  Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.  You need to begin connecting to other Heart's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer:  Oops... I have an error message already.  What should I do?

CS Rep:  What does the message to say?

Customer:  It says "ERROR 4:12 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS"  What does that mean?

CS Rep:  Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem.  It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet run on your Heart.  It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means that you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep:  Can you pull down the directory call SELF.ACCEPTANCE?

Customer:  Yes, I have it.

CS Rep:  Excellent.  You're getting good at this.

Customer:  Thank you.

CS Rep:  You're welcome.  Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART directory:  FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC.   The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any programming.  Also you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back, you will need to empty your recycle bin.

Customer:  Got it!  Hey!! My Heart is filing up with new files.  How divine it is now!  SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows PEACE.EXE and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my Heart.  Is this normal?

CS Rep:  Sometimes.  For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.  So, LOVE is installed and running.  You should be able to handle it from here.  One more thing before I go.

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep:  LOVE is freeware.  Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet.  They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer:  I will.  Thanks for your help.  By the way, what's your name?

CS Rep:  You can call me Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician.   Most people feel all they need is an annual check-up to stay heart healthy, but the Manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency...

(from www.lovethissite.com)  

It's my last day here.   Amazing, heartbreaking and truly humbling trip.

I'm ready to come home though.  

And not just because....

My camera along with all of my pictures was stolen today.

I'm pretty upset, but trying to keep a humble perspective.   

It was a tangible item. But, compared to the obscene poverty I have taken in this week losing a camera is nothing.

But it still sucks.

I have more stories once I'm stateside.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!  For HE is GOOD.

Checking In

It has been a great week in Phnom Penh.   I came down with a cold on Wednesday but seem to be battling back.   I think I pretty much just sweated it out.

I had the opportunity to stop by the Partners In Progress house and catch up with some of the staff and teachers I worked with here last year.  It was great to see them.   They are hard up for teachers at the moment, and I have to admit I briefly entertained the idea of staying a bit longer...

We arrived in Siem Reap today at 7:40 am and immediately took off to the temples to begin filming.  According to the film maker the light was beautiful this morning.  

It is now mid-day, meaning its too hot and the light to bright to shoot, so we checked into the hotel and will start back up again around 2:30.  

Our tour guide is fabulous.  He is a young man in his early 20's studying to be a teacher here in Siem Reap.    He of course is eager to practice his language skills and learn some slang.   He also has a great sense of humor, so the day has been quite enjoyable with him.

We'll be in Siem Reap until Sunday, when we leave for Pursat.  It is a 4-5 taxi ride.   I have never been to that particular Province, but form what I have learned it is fairly rural compared to Phnom Penh and Siem Reap.    Squatty potty here I come!!  

There's your quick update.  I'm off to ring out my sweat soaked clothes  and sit under the Air-Con for a bit.

Thanks for the continued prayers. 

Facebook vs. Blogger

I figured out a way to get my photos off my camera.  So, while blogger would not let me upload photos here, Facebook was more than willing to cooperate!!   If you are on Facebook feel free to check out what my first few days of Cambodia has been filled with.  

:)