I meant where I'm at today in the spiritual sense.
I have had four beautiful months in the mountains, full of inner exploration, quiet time, and self discovery. The gifts and the way God has provided for me has been infinite. The scars of last year have started to heal - still very raw, but less tender. My backyard, my playgrounds are truly majestic. My financial future seems mostly secure. Life has sifted the friends that probably were not the best influence and reintroduced those who will be a lifetime friendship.
And yet my prayers are still full of wanting more.
This nomadic lifestyle is not what I wanted. These gifts are not what I asked for. The physical lonely steals the shine from the spiritual gifts. The Darkness dims the Light. I wanted a home. I wanted girlfriends that I can go out to dinner with. I wanted a church home where I connect with others week after week. I want to belong somewhere.
Oh what God (and probably you reading this) must think of me.
I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I'm spiritually exhausted.
I know I should be content. Fulfilled. Renewed.
I'm not.
I struggle with knowing God's plan is better than what I could even begin to ask for. I struggle with the silence. I struggle with not having control or a glimpse of my future. I struggle with the fact that I had all the things (material) that I wanted and now its all gone.
I'm ungrateful. I'm selfish. I'm sinful.
Thankfully, despite myself, I know I'm still one of God's beloved.
That's where I'm at today.
5 comments:
It is easy to get caught up in what WE want and not accept what God has given to us.
Your words are familiar because I hear them in my head too saying "Sara you are discontent, lonely, and frustrated." Oh how I let Satan creep into my thoughts!!
And yet despite my unbelief and ungratefulness, God thankfully loves me and all my imperfections. You've provided me with a great reminder to again trust His plan. Thanks, Jeanne!
We all do this. We all want more. We all think "if just one more thing falls into place then I will be satisfied". It's awful, but it's true. How brave you are for admitting it! What I admire is that you feel this way and yet you still see God's blessing. You still realize how imporant you are to Him, how much He truly loves you. Think "Footprints". These are the times when He is carrying you. When He knows your dark thoughts and loves you just the same. He will continue to carry you Jeanne. He will carry you until the day when you can walk beside Him. He will never get tired. What amazing grace! Love you!
Jeanne--Have I ever told you that you inspire me? I have? Oh, well I'm telling you again. Your honesty, devotion, determination, and (most importantly) willingness to share have had a huge impact on my own personal struggles and I can't thank you enough for that! You are always in my prayers/thoughts.
Love,
Andrea
Thank you Sara, Jesse, and Andrea for your encouraging words!
I have been a bad blog reader over the last several weeks. But I just read this and was inspired by your thoughtful and beautiful words. You are a wise young woman, Jeanne. And I'm glad you're my sister.
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