Questions?

I hate that I haven't taken time to blog about the Cambodia trip.  I've sat and stared at the computer more than once trying to organize my thoughts, feelings, experiences, but it's almost too much for me to put into words.   I came home with a real sense of helplessness.   

Besides having my camera stolen, the trip was pretty flawless from a logistical standpoint.   We visited three cities in two weeks.  We started in Phnom Penh, flew to Siem Reap, then drove to Pursat and back to Phnom Penh.    

I believe that the producer was able to capture the shots he desired, and I in turn got to meet and work with two different NGO (non-government organizations) who are doing some incredible things.  Among the positive notable experiences was spending time riding a moto through the countryside meeting different farming families and riding an elephant.  

It was a quick, long trip.

Up on my return I received the following email from the producer of the documentary:

So I was in church last night.

I thanked God for my safe return.  I was thankful I didn't get sick.

But I asked:  why are there 1,000 people left on a side of a road in the middle of no where?

The Cambodian government (which is little more than a regime) is forcefully evicting thousands from their homes in the name of progress.   You can read about it here.  

But devastation and tragedy are hardly news in Cambodia anymore.   It is truly overwhelming to walk the streets and see the constant need in EVERY area.    From the basics of clean drinking water to the deep spiritual.  Most everyone needs something.   

It physically hurts my heart.  

I'm not okay after this trip.    During the first week back I was carrying around such heavy feelings of uselessness.   Like I'm not doing enough to fight the injustice of level of poverty in Cambodia.   I struggle with understanding, too, at how so many of God's children are without.

I question God.  A lot.   

And when I don't get the answer I either a)  quit asking or b) give him the silent treatment.

Neither of these productive.

I read a devotional the other day focusing on 2 Chronicles 20.  Around verse 15 Jahaziel speaks to Judah for the Lord saying "Do not be afraid or discouraged..... For the battle is not yours, but God's"

I guess in someway this is my answer.  

It is not for me to understand why or how the world works.   It is broken.  We live in a broken world, not the intended paradise God had planned for us.   And while HE has provided a plan to salvation, we in essence will have to live in the aftermath of sin until His time. 

It still hurts me to look into the eyes of people who are no different than me, other than where we were chosen to be born.   But I guess I need to remember that as much as it hurts me, My Father actually understands what was to be.  And that must hurt Him so deeply.

I don't know if I'll go back to Cambodia.   I feel like this trip was a sort of closure for me.  I'm hoping that I can now take the knowledge and deep empathy of my experience there and apply it locally.   

But..... who knows what God has planned.....  It is after all HIS war.