Answers

Friday, March 14, 2008

Why am I here? Why Cambodia?

To run away? To prove something to someone? To prove something to myself? To do the work that God has asked me to do? Probably a little bit of all of those.

Mostly, I came to Cambodia hoping to escape my long-term heartache. To come to grips with the fact that I really am getting divorced. That despite all of my desperate efforts, it is going to happen. That I need to let it happen. I got on the plane hoping that something magical happens here to make everything I left at home better. But, unfortunately, the same emptiness I feel in my heart has followed me here and still calls my name at night to wake me from my sleep. My mind still cannot let go of the worries. I cannot stop playing over and over in my head – what if? What if things could work out like I want, what if I go home and all is forgiven and fixed. What if the past year has really just been a nightmare? What if when I leave to go home I really am all-alone.

My constant prayer here is to just let go. Let go of it all. Let go of my hopes, fears, anger, resentment, sadness, heartbreak, insecurities, wants, needs. I pray so strongly that God will provide me with some great answer as to how to actually lay it all down. I do faithfully trust in God. My favorite verse in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I truly believe this with all my heart. I read and say it to myself everyday, but still, I just cannot seem to let go.

I love it here in Cambodia. Not for one second do I regret coming here. I hope I was called here to do something or for some reason. I trust that God has a plan for me. I KNOW all of these things. Yet…… I still hurt. I still feel alone. I still pray every hour for Jesus to fill my heart and stop the dark loneliness that seeps in. I hear and see God in so many ways. I see His spirit in the eyes of the students I teach, as they try to understand His word. I see His compassion, and love working in the other teachers. I even see His plan working in many others around me. Yet… I still feel His silence in my heart.

I also know that this trip could be just that. A trip. Nothing more than a wonderful adventure to tell.

I know too, that in Gods eyes this trip could be nothing about me. This could be about God using me for someone else. That my pain is just pain. A lesson as part of a larger plan for someone else.

But my heart wants it to be so much more. My heart wants it to be the beginning of a new path. A new life where I take deep breaths of love and exhale peace, not a life to breathe just to make it through the day. I want this heartache of hell I’ve been through to matter. I want to know that I’ve changed. Not just emotionally, because one cannot go through divorce without acquiring deep scars to wear. But, I want to know that this has changed me for the better. I need something dramatic to let me know that after I walk through this shadow, I have an action to prove that I changed.

I want it all to matter.